Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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