I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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