I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
