If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Welp...herpes.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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