So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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