If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
