Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
