did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
