I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
How external is "for external use only"?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
