White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
