last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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