i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
