my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
