So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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