you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My vagina is very pro this idea
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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