You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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