omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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