My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
