you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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