I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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