dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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