Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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