i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
