I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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