my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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