I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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