This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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