I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
