I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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