You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
