seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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