Non-Jews are for practice
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
