He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
