I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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