I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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