I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
