I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
