Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
