we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
