i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
