apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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