i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
