I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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