someone threw a dead crab at me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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