you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
