after a month anything with tits is on the radar
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
