Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
