Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
