Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Randomize
