3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
