I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
