last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
