So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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