yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
