Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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