Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
