Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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