My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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