fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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