I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
