I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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