I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize