FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
