Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
