I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
