when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
