cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Damn victory sex feels great
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
