he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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