btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
