I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
